Life is hard, there's no question about that. But I've been selfish, I've questioned life's worth too many times for me to count.I struggles as hard as the next person's; I will soon accept that. The life I live is worth a lot to many people. Maix, my mother, my father, my brothers and sister, and all my friends. I've lived with the spite of myself and others for a while. Whatever this is I'm writing, it's not just an acknowledgement of whatever is wrong in my head, I'm trying to get better, trying to get out.
God, I've denied your existence for some time, I've been so skeptical through all this suffering. But to believe in you is why it's called faith, and I will put what faith I have left in you. However I want you to know, that I am not recognizing a guy in white robes and a full beard, or a multi-limbed elephant. I'm picturing nothing. Call it blind faith, but I don't want to put a face to you and that's the only way I'll be comfortable in this relationship.
I had something to say to Maix, but I guess it's better to call her instead of have her read it. Somethings are just meant to be said.
edit: Maix preferred that I write it, I don't know why, but my princess gets what she wants.
This might not be what you expected, Maix, but it's from the heart and I don't want to keep it locked away any longer. It's about that guy who is calling. The night I got drunk and started screaming wasn't because of whatever belligerent thing I said, it was out of frustration. I didn't realize it; I relapsed into drinking out of fear, frustration, and an emptiness in my soul. That night I was angry that some dirtbag can just call you out of the blue and enjoy his life. All while I and my family struggle for a clean life. I was mad that he can call and get a polite "no" from you, all while I struggle to find reasons to live. I was hurt because I don't feel closure to that heartbreak, instead it was swept under the rug. In your eyes you used him and that's the end of it. But it's not, at least for me it isn't. The way I perceive it, he used you, poured poison in your ear. The things you said because of his influence tore me to pieces, broke my heart, shattered what parts of me that were salvaged by you. I was angry that what he did to you, broke my heart and broke yours, and made me question our relationship. I was angry that night because he is the enemy to me, and you can answer the phone and politely tell him "no". In all honesty, I wanted to destroy him for destroying us. And I still do. That is my closure. But you won't let me, so I have to settle for you or myself telling him to "fuck off" over the phone. But I can't even get that.
I've wanted to kill myself over an over ever since then. I wanted him to feel that pain, the struggle to attain a part of yourself lost. If not for as long as me, a split second would do. A sincere "fuck off, or my boyfriend will end you".
What was adressed to you, Maix, was me clearing the anger in my heart, and apologizing for yelling at you that night over my frustrations.
I love you, I always will.
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