Unappreciated

Today was probably the downhill part of my vacation, here. Woke up late, botched up some bike parts that Maix desperately needed. And I'm basically broke, struggling to save enough money to get me home, since Blastoise is a thirsty fucker, I burn through petrol pretty often. We checked off handlebars, stem, headset, and bar wrap. All that's left is a brake and lever, a new tougher bike lock, an adjustment on the next fork I plan to use, and truing my old wheels to setup on the frame. All that and some minor maintenance.

Anyways she says I'm unappreciative or at least I make her feel like that when I complain about money. When I'm busting my ass trying to put together the best bike I've personally built all within a weeks time with limited funds, buy her shit from supreme, and save at least 80$ to get me back home. Oh and I have to sit in a store with her, with this douchebag hounding us, all while she giggles. Obviously someone didn't get the fucking memo for her to ignore him. I put all my animosity aside because I'm determined to finish her bike so she doesn't have to take the bus, and I'm the one that doesn't appreciate much, I guess.

Two Weeks

My life for the past two weeks have been amazing. It has consisted on working and getting comfortable with my surroundings, I'm going to fit right in. Getting my head through a rough patch. Camping for shoes, I always get mines. Getting drunk and turnt up with the homies. Blasting 6 in the Mornin' at the party and getting kicked out was too rad. Working a closing shift and then driving 5 Hours to LA. Exploring Southern California with my lady during the days and cuddling with her through the nights. I'm broke, but I can care less, I'm having fun. The money will come.

Later

Siren

Someone once told me that we don't know what struggle is. It is completely over the heads of our generation. I disagree, but I will give it to them that we don't have our great war/holocaust/third world country to live in. But mostly everyone I know and respect, knows struggle. We struggle everyday to stay positive and sane in a world that wants to keep us down. We struggle to find meaning and purpose. We may not know your struggle or the next person's, but we all know struggle

WE BURN THE FAT FROM OUR SOULS

You write the prettiest things

Life is hard, there's no question about that. But I've been selfish, I've questioned life's worth too many times for me to count.I struggles as hard as the next person's; I will soon accept that. The life I live is worth a lot to many people. Maix, my mother, my father, my brothers and sister, and all my friends. I've lived with the spite of myself and others for a while. Whatever this is I'm writing, it's not just an acknowledgement of whatever is wrong in my head, I'm trying to get better, trying to get out.

God, I've denied your existence for some time, I've been so skeptical through all this suffering. But to believe in you is why it's called faith, and I will put what faith I have left in you. However I want you to know, that I am not recognizing a guy in white robes and a full beard, or a multi-limbed elephant. I'm picturing nothing. Call it blind faith, but I don't want to put a face to you and that's the only way I'll be comfortable in this relationship.

I had something to say to Maix, but I guess it's better to call her instead of have her read it. Somethings are just meant to be said.

edit: Maix preferred that I write it, I don't know why, but my princess gets what she wants.

This might not be what you expected, Maix, but it's from the heart and I don't want to keep it locked away any longer. It's about that guy who is calling. The night I got drunk and started screaming wasn't because of whatever belligerent thing I said, it was out of frustration. I didn't realize it; I relapsed into drinking out of fear, frustration, and an emptiness in my soul. That night I was angry that some dirtbag can just call you out of the blue and enjoy his life. All while I and my family struggle for a clean life. I was mad that he can call and get a polite "no" from you, all while I struggle to find reasons to live. I was hurt because I don't feel closure to that heartbreak, instead it was swept under the rug. In your eyes you used him and that's the end of it. But it's not, at least for me it isn't. The way I perceive it, he used you, poured poison in your ear. The things you said because of his influence tore me to pieces, broke my heart, shattered what parts of me that were salvaged by you. I was angry that what he did to you, broke my heart and broke yours, and made me question our relationship. I was angry that night because he is the enemy to me, and you can answer the phone and politely tell him "no". In all honesty, I wanted to destroy him for destroying us. And I still do. That is my closure. But you won't let me, so I have to settle for you or myself telling him to "fuck off" over the phone. But I can't even get that. 

I've wanted to kill myself over an over ever since then. I wanted him to feel that pain, the struggle to attain a part of yourself lost. If not for as long as me, a split second would do. A sincere "fuck off, or my boyfriend will end you".

What was adressed to you, Maix, was me clearing the anger in my heart, and apologizing for yelling at you that night over my frustrations. 

I love you, I always will.

You get what you need

I always believed in karma. Well karma is over-fucking-due. When will my life be easy? I've always done the right thing, stayed away from drugs and crime, I've always lived by code of morality, and it's gotten me no where. I've always gotten up when life knocked me
Down. But this time, I really just want to stay down. I'm tired of being setup for failure.